Jesse Ventura

Jesse Ventura
"Enough talk! It's time for some action."
Species	Human
Gender	Male
Age	63
Homeworld	Earth
Family	Two children
Weapons	M134 Minigun
Allies	Other Cooperative forces, e.g.     Ayy-Lmaliums,     Lord Zrintch,     The Wang Gang
Factions	Navy SEALs (formerly) Executive branch of Minnesota (Governor, formerly) Administration of Supermax 429 (Warden, formerly) The Dong Squad (Team leader)
Status	Alive
Home Reality	Original Universe

Jesse Ventura is the enigmatic leader of the Dong Squad, who was promoted to the position following the death of Yon.

Description

Ventura is a mostly-bald, muscular white man with short grey hair around the back of his head and ears. He is rarely seen without his signature black leather jacket, and the similarly black t-shirt he wears underneath. When Ventura became the warden of Supermax 429, a rumour spread that he had procured his jacket from Area 51, which would explain how he is able to fit his extremely large and heavy minigun inside it.

While Ventura can appear unwelcoming at times, he cares deeply about the well-being of his team and the universe he has taken upon himself to protect. Before joining the Dong Squad, Ventura was petty and ego-maniacal (as evidenced by his affair with Dr. Bedge's wife), but his experiences with the team have humbled him greatly.

Ventura's experience with the Navy SEALs has made him a hardened warrior and a brilliant tactician, having run countless operations with the Navy SEALs and witnessed many die in combat.

History

Early Life

Jesse Ventura was born July 15th, 1951 on one of the many Earths to be drawn into the Original Universe. Much of his early life was spent in service of his country, whether it was serving in the Navy SEALs or as the Governor of Minnesota. When his term as governor expired, he created a TV show called Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theory, in which he went around the world investigating conspiracies. In an unaired episode, Ventura was given access to Area 51, which is where he met Tommy Wiseau for the first time. Seeing the vampire in captivity, Ventura decided to act against his government for the first time in his life by subduing the guards and freeing Wiseau. The two then stole a Blackbird together with Wiseau in the pilot's seat, and Ventura was dropped off somewhere in America. He then used his experience to gain access to one of NASA's space programs, and stole a rocket to fly into space.

When he found himself part of the galactic community, Ventura realized he was in need of a job. He used his charisma and tough-guy mentality to make connections, and was fortunate enough to hear about a job opening for a warden of a top-secret prison. He was hesitant to apply for the job at first, but he needed the money so he went for it. Ventura became the warden of Supermax 429 that day.

Warden of Supermax 429

When Ventura became the warden of Supermax 429, the Galactic Government hired Kevin Douglas, another candidate who managed to impress them, as the vice-warden. They became good friends, and worked well together until something terrible happened: Subject 06, AKA "Crack Jag", fed one of the scientists cookies containing some kind of hallucinogenic drug during his therapy sessions. This caused the scientist to go insane and beat the others in his team to death with a radiator pipe. Ventura realized that the Galactic Government was going to have their asses if they found out, so he tried to cover up the scientists' deaths, ironically creating a conspiracy himself. He made plans with Douglas to throw the scientists' bodies out of the airlock and fake emails about them taking shore leave. In the middle of their plans, however, Douglas disappeared, leaving Ventura to sort out the mess himself. Ventura assumed that Douglas must have left with the intention of pinning the blame on him, but he realized that if he said that the security breaches were Douglas's fault for not checking them, and were located in his block, he would stand a chance of getting off clean. This is exactly what happened: Ventura was pardoned but Douglas was fired.

Ventura later called in a favor with Mark Zuckerberg, who he hoped could find out what happened to Douglas. However, when Zuckerberg checked Douglas's account, he saw that he had been previously posting pictures of himself partying with semi-nude women, so he immediately deleted the account for violating the terms of service. Ventura wasn't told why Douglas's account suddenly disappeared, and he still hasn't forgiven Zuckerberg for that.

The Merc Plot

Years later when Ventura was back on the job as Supermax 429's sole warden, a team of mercenaries broke into the prison to retrieve a dangerous inmate, Tiff Ramson. Because the mercenaries managed to overpower most of the guards before him, Ventura confronted them himself while armed with his minigun. After a scuffle with Randolph and Fourteen, he found himself outnumbered and ran to the hangar before the mercs could deal him any serious damage. He returned shortly after, this time piloting a mech, but the mech was destroyed by the mercenaries. They also escaped with the prisoner, so Ventura decided to leave Supermax 429 before his superiors discovered his failure and fired him.

Relationships

Tommy Wiseau

After breaking Wiseau out of Area 51, he and Ventura became close friends, but ultimately lost contact when Wiseau decided to leave Earth to go to Meme World. They did not meet again until 150,084 CMT, the year the Dong Squad arrived on Meme World to procure The Mask. While Ventura was originally hesitant to battle Tommy, believing they could come to some kind of compromise, he turned against his former friend once it became clear that Wiseau valued his own position of power over the fate of the universe.

Ross Mandell

“ Everything Ross Mandell was saying was bullshit. No-one is bigger than JESSE VENTURA! ”

—Ventura recalling his first meeting with Mandell., BZPB

When Ventura first met Ross Mandell on the set of Conspiracy Theory, the two initially fought over who's penis was bigger, but came to the conclusion that they were both big guys. Ever since then, the two have held a mutual respect for each other, with Ventura calling upon him to help him out whenever he had a meeting with a state ambassador that he didn't want to attend. Despite this, Ventura disapproved of Mandell's ways (even once calling him a "filthy crook"), but this changed when the Bad Boy of Wall Street joined the Dong Squad. Even still, the two occasionally came into conflict over what plans to take, and which of them was more important to the team.

Anedie Bedge

Jesse Ventura is a big guy for Anedie, Dr. Bedge's wife, and slept with her while the Alasaskan was away from home. Anedie has since called him up to a hundred times, but Jesse has been too busy to return her calls.

Weaponry

M134 Minigun

The M134 Minigun is a 7.62x51 mm NATO, six-barreled machine gun with a high rate of fire (2,000 to 6,000 rounds per minute). It features Gatling-style rotating barrels with an external power source, normally an electric motor. The "Mini" in the name is in comparison to designs that use a similar firing mechanism but larger shells, such as General Electric's earlier 20-millimeter M61 Vulcan, and "gun" for a calibre size smaller than that of a cannon, typically 20 mm and higher. Ventura was given the gun while filming Predator, in which he used it to fire blanks. He was allowed to keep it after filming was completed, and has since kept it loaded with proper ammunition. He keeps the minigun inside his jacket, which is seemingly impossible considering its size and weight, but this could be explained by Ventura's jacket originating from Area 51.

Illuminati-Repellent and Bat-Germ Repellent Spray Cans

Ventura also carries two cans of Illuminati Repellent and Bat-Germ Repellent in his jacket, in case he is attacked by professional Jesse Ventura killers working for the Illuminati (it's happened before) or vampiric bats. His bat-germ repellent was useful in momentarily stunning Tommy Wiseau's giant pet bat, but he also breathed some of it in, which caused him to fall asleep.

Trivia

• Much of Jesse Ventura's backstory is directly inspired by a YouTube Poop, as well as those of some of the characters around him.

See Also

• Jesse Ventura on Wikipedia