Kevin Douglas

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Kevin Douglas is an eccentric entrepreneur and an old frenemy of Jesse Ventura.

Master of Aumm
Kevin Douglas was born on Earth in the 50s (150,050-59 CMT), placing him in his late-20s/early 30s as of the events of The Mazkertis Paradox. In adulthood, Douglas became the administrator of a Facebook group that was dedicated to the cultivation and advancement of image macros, or "aumms", as the group called them. This group was unlike any other at the time in that it functioned more like a business than a discussion forum: members of the group who created good aumms were "employed" by Douglas to create more, and received regular paychecks in return; Douglas made a profit by selling aumms produced by his group to memeologists at a higher rate. Due to the success of this economy, Douglas became a rich and respected figure among memeologists. He bought shares in other meme production companies and spent much of his free time partying on cruises with other up-and-coming entrepreneurs.

Supermax 429
In 150,079 CMT, Kevin Douglas decided to get a second job to fund his lavish lifestyle. He heard from one of his connections that the Galactic Government were looking for a warden to run Supermax 429, so he applied for the position, which he thought would boost his credibility among members of the government and political figures that he could potentially do business with. Although Douglas had no previous experience in any related fields, he argued that he was suited for the job because he had experience organizing and disciplining large groups of people, and managing large amounts of funds, which he would also receive to run the prison if he was given the job. Surprisingly, Douglas's charisma won over his interviewers, and he became their favorite candidate for the job. Unfortunately, he eventually lost out to a late applicant by the name of Jesse Ventura, who was older and had more administrative experience due to his previous occupation as the Governor of Minnesota. However, Douglas was offered the position of Vice-Warden instead, which he accepted.

Kevin Douglas and Jesse Ventura became friends on the job due to their shared wackiness and unconventional approach to life, but Ventura was sometimes annoyed by Douglas's occasional reluctance to take his job seriously. Douglas maintained a good rapport with his employees, including Car Guard. He and Ventura ran Supermax 429 together for several months with no major problems until something terrible occurred: one of the prisoners, Crack Jag, dosed one of the members of the on-site scientific research team with hallucinogens, which caused the poor scientist to go into a frenzy and murder his colleagues with a radiator pipe. Douglas and Ventura agreed that, if the Galactic Government found out about the incident, both of their jobs would be in jeopardy, so they had no choice but to cover it up. Ventura made plans to dispose of the bodies by throwing them out the airlock and fabricating shore leave emails, but Douglas panicked and fled the prison before Ventura had finished, leading Ventura to think that Douglas had left to pin the blame on him.

In an attempt to find where Douglas had gone and what his intentions were, Ventura called in a favor with Mark Zuckerberg, the CEO of Facebook. Ventura asked him to access Douglas's message inbox to see if he had sent or received any messages that might contain information regarding his whereabouts. Unfortunately, when Zuckerberg accessed Douglas's account, he saw that Douglas had repeatedly violated the Facebook Terms of Service by posting pictures of himself partying with semi-nude naked women every Friday night without first censoring the images. This shocked Zuckerberg so much that he forgot about Jesse's request and deleted Douglas's account straight away. When Jesse next called to request an update, Zuckerberg told Jesse why Douglas's account had been deleted, then hung up the phone.

"Lemme explain something to you real quick. Jesse, called Mark Zuckerberg, and they uh... for lack of a better term... 'took care of me'. Yeah, they wiped me off the internet completely. My assets took a huge, huge dive..."

- Kevin Douglas's interpretation of the situation

Upon discovering that his account had been deactivated, Kevin Douglas came to the conclusion that Jesse Ventura had conspired with Mark Zuckerberg to wipe him off the internet (though is is unclear how he came to this specific conclusion). Because he no longer had a Facebook account with which to do business, Douglas was replaced as the administrator of his group and the value of his shares in other meme production organizations dropped dramatically. He was left with no choice but to seek work elsewhere, so he used the experience that he had gathered as a member of the Galactic Government to ingratiate himself with a similar organization in another galaxy: The Cooperative. The Cooperative hired Douglas, but it is unknown what his actual role within the organization was.

The Mazkertis Paradox
In 150,084 CMT, Lord Zrintch received a message from Randolph Moloch via /r/grinchmeetups that told him that the Dong Squad were stranded on Meme World because their ship was too heavily damaged to enter hyperspace and transmit long-range communications by itself. To remedy this, Zrintch ordered Kevin Douglas to take a mobile workstation to Meme World so that the Dong Squad could use its assets to repair their ship. Douglas arrived on Meme World within the hour and hailed the Dong Squad's ship to notify them of his arrival. When his hail was answered and a video link between the two ships was established, Douglas was shocked to see two figures from his past - Jesse Ventura and Car Guard - stare at him on his monitor, and vice versa. Ventura immediately ranted at Douglas for abandoning him during the Crack Jag incident, so Douglas sheepishly apologized and claimed that it wasn't his fault for disappearing. Car Guard was unaware of the story behind Douglas's disappearance, so Ventura filled him in with his version of what transpired. Douglas implored them not to dwell on the "bullshit" that happened in the past, because he wanted to move past the incident and be friends with them again. He told them that he was now back on Facebook and encouraged them to add him, then cut the transmission so he could focus on parking his ship.

Kevin Douglas parked the mobile workstation next to the Dongers' ship. The Ayy-Lmaliums immediately got to work using its tools and raw materials to modify and repair their damaged vessel. Douglas listened to some music and updated his Facebook status while he waited.

That night, Kevin Douglas, Jesse Ventura, Hungry-man, and BONES gathered around the brand new communications array that the Ayy-Lmaliums had constructed in the control deck of the ship. Ventura asked Douglas if they could use the portal-creating technology of Douglas's workstation to get back home if they failed to repair their own ship's engines, but Douglas replied that the workstation could only create portals for itself, and that it could only accommodate one person at a time. Douglas explained that he couldn't take them straight to Zrintch's doorstep anyway, because Douglas didn't know where Zrintch lived: all the assignments he had taken for Zrintch were relayed through his ship's computer. However, they were eventually able to get a message through to Zrintch with their newly-constructed communications array.

A few hours later, Douglas sat with the team leaders and watched Zrintch's response, which was in the form of a video file in which he gave the Dongers and Wangers a new mission: stealing the Keruvim from Vizima. Zrintch also sent them the coordinates of Vizima so that the Ayy-Lmaliums could calculate a flight plan there. Once Douglas was sure that the Dongers' ship was fully operational again and that they no longer needed his help, he prepared to return to Cooperative space in the mobile workstation. He bid farewell to allies old and new, and reminded them to add him on Facebook. Though Ventura wasn't quite ready to forgive Douglas for his past mistakes, he did acknowledge that his presence had helped them immensely, so he replied with "I'm off the grid... but maybe one day". Douglas saluted Ventura and left.

BZPB: Malignant
A few weeks after his mission to Meme World, Kevin Douglas was tasked with dropping off the Kraken on Oquro. He flew there in a Cooperative dropship and dropped the Kraken in front of Brendan Fraser, Tayne, and Crikey.